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Fighting, arguing or having spirited discussions are all part of our relationships and in order for us to have meaningful relationships, we have to have these discussions but ... it is very easy once we become involved in one of these discussions to get amped up and say things that take away from the goal of getting to a point of resolution. I've been there, as we all have ... the more you listen or talk, the angrier you become and then as if I were a spewing volcano, it unleashes ... those statements that I tried to recover and put back in my mouth, but they are out and the damage is done!
As I said, we have all been there, done that I know now what. Let me first start with a bible verse. It doesn't matter if you are a Christian, atheist, Muslim or anything else. The fact of thematter is that The Bible IS wisdom literature. I happen to believe it to be the inspired word of God but, don't let that distract you. The verse is this: "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:25 -27. For Kris and I, we have found that this verse has been a great motivation to work toward not allowing our anger and frustration to go unresolved and consequently allowing it to fester into .resentment. One other foundational thing I want to share with you which will help you in resolving conflict is this: the first words in the book: "The Purpose Driven Life" by Pastor Rick Warren are: "It's not about you." Think about those words. I don't know about you but for me, when I am angry at Kris or anyone else for that matter, there may be somevalidity to my anger; she forgot to pick me up from work; she forgot to meet me for lunch or she forgot to pay a bill. But the real issue causing my anger to go where it goes is my mindset that it IS all about me! In other words, how her mistake affected me, and how important I am or how busy I am. .. how dare she waste my time ... like I am God or someone!
The last foundational thing I want to share with you is this; we cannot change anyone! Now, I sense some disagreement on your part so I will say it again; you cannot change anyone! Oh, we can exert our influence, but it is their decision to react however they are going to react. For us to buy into the idea that we are going to change anyone is to subscribe to the lie that if they would only change then things would be better. Whata convenient way for us to take the spotlight off of ourselves and our faults! The real issue I have found is changing myself. That is the only person on the planet that I have the control over (sometimes) to change and besides, I have found that when I do change my behavior on a certain issue ... others around me change the way they treat me ... hmm ... funny ... huh?!
Now, let's move into some tips about "fighting fair" ... resolving conflict without further inflaming the situation and ... actually getting to a resolution of your issue. Ready? Here we go! Here are some rules for a fair fight ...I don't want to see any of this or this or that ...:
Name calling ... if you really want things to go south on you, call your mate to name ... idiot will do the job nicely! It really doesn't matter ifyou really believe in your heart that this person truly is a slacker or a right-winger, left winger or anything else. Bringing attention to it during conflict does not serve to get you closer to your goal of resolving things. It actually diverts you away from that goal and takes you down a whole other rabbit trail. You will eventually have to return to the path of resolution at some point, now, with all the baggage you picked up on the rabbit trail, so why not just stay on the resolution path?!
Cussing or excessive use of adjectives ... these only serves to Tristeza y conmoción … the disagreement. Think on these two statements: "It really makes me feel like you don't value me when you forget to meet me for lunch" or "It really makes me feel like you don't blankety blank value blankety me when youblank forget to meet me for lunch". I don't know about you but for me, the first statement is going to sting and cause me to think before I speak. But the second statement?! That is going to get me to thinking about an "OH Yeah?!" scenario where I am looking for a statement to top it...and away we go!
Use of Absolutes...can derail a discussion as easily as anything. When anyone says to us you "always" or you "never", again, I can feel the little hairs on the back of my neck standing up and it gets that "Oh Yeah?!" thing going again. First of all, the statement is incorrect. We as humans are not perfect machines and could not always or never do anything...I don't care what it is. The use of absolutes gives the conflict an element of absurdity that anyone will want to argue and defend ... its easy and fair game.
Talking about family members ... is another sure way to send your conflict resolution off on another rabbit trail. Yeah, your uncle is a goofball! I can talk all day about the faults of my family members but the minute Kris agrees with me or a disparaging remark about initiates one of my family members ... game over! My tendency is to defend them (although I may know that my uncle is a goofball in my heart of hearts) and now I am far from thinking about the sun not going down on my anger ... if it does ... too bad ... its her fault now!
Conflict Resolution:
So how do you resolve a conflict? This is basically the model Kris and I have worked through and taught to a lot of people and it really works. Like anything else, though, you may want tofollow this right down the list the first time or two. But, we are not you and you will need to morph, or adapt this model to who you are and what works in your relationship. Here it is:
Cool off period ... this doesn't mean go home to mom for 6 weeks. By a cooling off period is go for a walk or a drive for a while. For us, we have found that it is very helpful to be in prayer and meditation during this time. Not just prayer for God to change your mate but honestly, to show you what your part in this conflict is ... how you have added to it. But also just to get yourself beyond that point of being so mad that you truly cannot control what you say or do. You are no good to your mate in this condition. Take whatever time you need to get there. Now, this is not to say wait until you areno longer upset by the conflict ... that would be a long wait! You will still be upset when you get back together but in more control of your actions and emotions.
Sit facing each other ... focus, this is important. This sounds goofy but for the first time or two just try it. You will find that you will be less distracted (though sometimes we would like to be distracted so we wouldn't have to deal with the situation!) and your discussion will be more productive.
Pray Together ... this can be a tough step. If you can overcome your anger enough, hold hands and pray together for each of you to see your part in the conflict and to take responsibility. Give the conflict to Him to work out that is His job. Yours is to listen and follow His directions!
State the Problem ...Each of youstate the problem as you see it. No interrupting now! You will each get your turn! This will also help to clear up any misunderstandings.
State your Contribution ...Each of you state what you feel your part in the conflict is. State the Resolution ...Each of you state what you feel needs to happen for this situation to be resolved. Remember to stay focused on yourself primarily and what you can do to resolve the situation.
Work toward Resolution.Not every conflict will be able to be fully resolved. First, I want to walk you through the different levels of conflict resolution: First is Acquiescence. This is when one of you basically just gives up and says, "Whatever." "I'll just go with whatever you want to do". Translation: I am giving up my position on this and shifting itentirely to you and may or may not continue to be angry with you ... silently. With Acquiescence, the party acquiescing is usually not happy with the outcome and may not feel free to continue to discuss the issue. In this case, the issue is not resolved and will probably come up again ... and again ... and again. The next stage is compromised. This is when you each give something up. It is better than acquiescence but not as good as full resolution. Rather than a win, compromising is actually lose, lose, because you each gave something up. The last form of conflict resolution is actually resolution. Resolution is when you both agree. One aspect of moving from compromise to resolution is to adjust your expectations ... if the outcome you are looking for changes, then compromise may not benecessary and you will be able to resolve. Try to move from conflict to either a compromise or resolution.
Pray ...Pray together thanking God for helping resolve your conflict and also ask Him to heal your hurt and help you to stay resolved to making the necessary changes in yourself.
Get on with Life!
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